Language of Love part 2

Part2
So tell me “Do you ever go for a walk and talk with your husband or does the perfect date call for flowers and dinner?”
Mindy had agreed to meet Agnes and me at the local park. She zipped up her jacket as she watched the cool air blow the fallen red leaves in a swirl down below their feet at the park bench. “I really never have gotten into walking but maybe I should.” Mindy felt desperate to learn from this woman who seemed to know so much.

Agnes opened up; “My husband and I often found ourselves on a tight budget, especially when our children lived with us. We learned delightful ways to enjoy one another such as walking and biking or simply having coffee in the mornings together. We made fun with what we had and just ignored the messages around us that said we always had to spend money on extra things in order to make each other feel loved.” It’s interesting how the media and marketing has built idols in our minds of what life and love is “really” all about.”

I was taken back by her remark. “I have never really thought about that. Wow.” I wondered for a moment, “How easy it is to build little idols in our minds and seek to have those around us conform to those idols.” I paused. “And what about us? Do we live up to the “idol” image of a woman that our husbands have been taught by the world’s marketing and media standards or even yet the perfect image of a godly wife? Wow, when I look at it that way I see what magnificent grace I would need from my man.”
Mindy admitted that she unfortunately fell quite short to living up to the “ideal” marketed woman. Her extra 50 pounds gained over the years still hung on her. She became conscious of how unforgiving and demanding she had been while overlooking her own fault of bitterness. Until now she had always pointed the finger at her husband and his mistakes but now sorrow began to fill her heart and she thought to herself, “How can I find a way through this? Lord, please help me.” For the first time she realized that she was the one in need of forgiveness simply for her bitter spirit. A cool wind blew on her face making the tear feel cold on her cheek.

I comforted her. “It’s ok to feel sorrow, Mindy. Sorrow turns us to God and He gives us hope for a transformed life and it is in that hope that the greatest of all joy can be experienced. The Lord is more concerned about a bitter spirit than an ideal weight our magazine racks display at the grocery counter. Do not neglect taking care of yourself physically, spiritually and mentally as well as intellectually. Mindy, as you give yourself to the Lord you become attractive in many ways, mind you never perfect but always moving onward with Him.

Agnes interrupted our thoughts, “I have been thinking of practical ways I have seen love expressed in marriage. The world has taught us there will always be something more we will need to be satisfied.”
“I remember the ways my mom and dad loved each other when I was young. They would often make time to go in their bedroom and give massages to each other after a hard week.” She smiled fondly, “We would sometimes find them kissing and then they would play a game of hide and kiss until we found them. After a while they would bring us into the kiss machine with them and we’d all end up playfully kissing.” She giggled.
Mindy pondered this. “But I am not sure my husband could ever be so playful.”

“Maybe. But a good start for you might be to find joy and contentment in what you do have. I’m sure there are some wonderful qualities in your husband for which you can be thankful. It isn’t wrong to want or discuss with him your desire for more time together but you can sure be thankful that he is hardworking and responsible.” “You might find one of the reasons he doesn’t buy special gifts for you is because he values frugality and thriftiness.”
“No, I just think he’s thoughtless.” She was reminded of her bitterness and asked Jesus to help her grow in understanding rather than accusations.
“Perhaps your husband needs you to have confidence and trust in him. You might be right that he needs to grow in that area and do pray for him. But believe the best about his motives rather than the worst. Wouldn’t you want the same from him? Undoubtedly your man needs for you to have a positive outlook on life no matter how it looks. This is where you must meet face to face with your God about everything.”
“Our God connection is where we find our strength for all of life. We expand our understanding of His ways, the deeper our hurts the broader our experience with Him. Friends should also help us see more clearly. If you have friends who are not encouraging you to respect your husband but instead fuel your anger toward him then I would choose other friends.”
Agnes jetted in “Books can also help us love our men. I read a book once about five love languages. Most men feel loved when you want him physically. Yes, I mean sexually desire him. Making love should never be a duty. I know, I know those childrearing years can be physically exhausting and there are times some women just feel tired. But when you think of what a delightful gift of love you bring to the most important man in your life tiredness can actually be turned over to God and enjoyment take over.”
“How come you never say anything about what he could be doing to help our marriage? Don’t you have any good advice for him?” Mindy inquired.
“ Mindy, I am not talking to your husband. I am talking to you two ladies. We cannot change another person but we can change ourselves as we walk forward with God.”
Mindy recalled a time when she was younger and had mentioned to a friend about her membership at a gym because she had wanted to get in shape for her husband. The friend told her “That is ridiculous! You do what you want and not what he wants.” She realized she had taken that approach in everything. Now, Mindy was turning the ears of her heart to Jesus. She heard the Spirit speaking words of scripture “Do not merely look out for your own interests, Mindy, do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard him as more important than yourself. Don’t merely look out for your own interests, but also for his interests.” Boy, that one was going to take a lifetime to learn.
The time they spent together was life giving. Mindy was anxious to get home and start putting into practice the things she had learned. She remembered what Agnes had said earlier that we each need the Lord to guide us to know how to love our own man. Agnes had told a story about her granddaughter being a perfectionist in her home. She had constantly nagged everyone around her for not keeping house “picture perfect” like she wanted it. Her husband had told her ‘No Better Homes and Garden Home for us’. He desired a home that was comfortable and looked lived in with lots of relationships going on. They compromised together on how they would run their home. Now Mindy was determined to connect with her husband and find out what he would like. She had never given her heart to that before.

I thought for a while with Jesus and asked him, “What does unity in marriage look like, Lord?”
“Unity is like-mindedness in as much as two people have shared like personalities, similar experiences, have the same knowledge and have been given the same measure of faith. Each has shaped our core values, goals, and desires. Obviously there will be differences because no two people share the same life experiences, personality, knowledge and faith. In marriage two individuals with unique skills and talents merge to establish new values and goals. Marriage is a place where two wills collide, two lives become one.”
“So what happens if one of those wills is unyielding, Lord? What happens to our unity in marriage?”
“In each circumstance one has the capacity to give more than the other through the grace of my Spirit. Always one will let the other go forward.”

As we parted that day Mindy had made the bold decision: Her first step would be to ask her husband for forgiveness of her own sins in the marriage. She resolved to take one day at a time and draw nearer to her Lord.