The Language of Love

(My heart has connected with women all over the globe, both American and foreign and I’ve found similar issues that many women face. This fictional story is a composite of many of them.)


I had noticed the perked ears of the elderly lady next to us. She had phased out the delicious taste of her ham and cheese omelet as she overheard the weeping of Mindy while disclosing her feelings to me. Blonde haired Mindy was of fair complexion and the mother of four children. She had hinted to her friends for a long time of her intentions she now allowed to escape from her mouth. “I don’t think he will ever change. I just don’t love him anymore.” Tears spilled from her eyes and with a quick blowing of her red nose she allowed those words she never believed she could verbalize to sink in. “The feelings left a long time ago. We hardly have anything in common. He goes to work and I have my work. We just don’t talk anymore. It has been so long since he bought me flowers or even took me out to dinner. He isn’t romantic like he was when I first met him. For years our church leaders have said romance is vitally important in a marriage yet he doesn’t catch a clue”. She spoke these words with bitter hurt. He isn’t interested in what I do during my day yet expects to come home to a clean house and dinner at the table on time. I have tried to be a good wife and one he could feel proud of but he never notices when I do those good things. He hurts my feelings and I feel empty…. God is love and wants me to be happy.” She paused “I am leaving him this Friday.”



The elderly woman sitting nearby could not restrain the passion of God prompting her spirit. She graciously walked over to our small round table and introduced herself as Agnes. She tenderly handed Mindy some flowers she had previously bought for some other purpose. Agnes gently voiced, “I couldn’t help overhearing what you’ve been saying, do you mind if I join you?” We couldn’t resist her sweet spirit and agreed to have her join us. “Honey, there are so many religions here these days, which God are you talking about that wants you happy?”
“Oh, I’m a Christian and God is a loving God.” With authority she declared Jesus’ words, “I have come that they might have life and have it abundantly.”
“Oh, dear thing.” She offered a Kleenex to my tissue deprived friend. “The abundant life is promised to those who ‘Seek first the kingdom of God’.
“I’ve done that. I’ve gone to church for years, tried to be good, attended Bible studies … sniff. I’ve prayed that God would change him. But still nothing has changed!”
Agnes poured some water into Mindy’s glass. “Drink. With many tears one must drink more. Sweetie,” she paused, with her southern accent extending “God doesn’t want your rules and religion. He wants a relationship with you. “Jesus revealed in John ‘This is eternal life that they may know You, the One true God and Jesus Christ whom you have sent’.” You have been chosen to know the living God…to fellowship with ALL that He is. God isn’t just a God of love. He actually hates too.” At that Mindy’s eyes incredulously widened. “He wasn’t concerned about hurting anyone’s feelings when he said ‘I hate divorce’. Nor when he spoke through Paul in First Corinthians when he said, “A woman shall not leave her husband, or a man his wife.” “We say and hold to our vows with a Holy fear knowing we make a choice to display God’s glory to the world...” She cleared her throat and continued, “which is the model of Christ and His bride the church.”
With her words which truly were God’s words I sensed the Holy Spirit indeed putting holy fear in Mindy’s heart and mind as well as my own. But then with a downcast spirit and bowed head she peeped the words “I don’t see how.” You could sense she was being pulled in two different directions. “He certainly isn’t Christ.”

“Though good feelings can truly be in a marriage God’s love isn’t merely a feeling love and romance the way this culture and time presents it. We have been discipled by the god of Hollywood. And it starts you know when you’re a child… Cinderella, Snow White, Sleeping Beauty and more.” We listened with the ears of our hearts, but still Mindy questioned “But love IS when you feel good about your spouse. What is love without the feelings?”
“Clearly the truest of all love is only visible in the face of the cruelest of hatred. It suffered to the point of shedding blood. Jesus wasn’t feeling happy, gooey feelings toward God when he was carrying the cross to Calvary. But it was the joy set before him that he endured it. Not that we should just endure marriage or even treat it like a cross but rather come to a place where we thrive”

“Can you expound on that a little?” asked Mindy with fixed, glassy eyes as truth was spoken to the depths of her heart. This was clearly a different language than she had heard in the world. The new definition of love was making a slight break into the confusion of her mind and bringing understanding to the sacrifices a marriage partner brings to the altar.
Agnes reached for the water pitcher and politely asked if she was done with her half emptied milk and juice glasses. Mindy nodded. She proceeded to pour water into the glasses and stirred a bit. “You see, there isn’t anything much different when you mix water into these liquids which contain the same properties.” We were a bit bewildered with what she was up to. She grabbed the oil for salads sitting on the table and poured it into the cups and stirred. “This oil stands out. You can tell it is different from everything else. In every circumstance it stands out. God wants to show the world there is a distinction between His love and the world’s kind of love. He has chosen you as his means of doing that.” She smiled. The illustration was bringing it home to the core.

“He must have chosen the wrong person.” Mindy whimpered, “ I don’t think I can …do that. I cannot even fathom it.”

“Look here, the last thing I desire is to be preachy.” Putting her ringed hand on her chest Agnes expressed “I have walked the same road as yourself.” But with a reflective spirit added “Trust me. Marriage continues to teach me how to really love. It is the essence of giving up self for another. Not that I have laid hold of it yet but I forget what lies behind and press on toward that which He called me to.” Her face radiated her fiery spirit. “If we could understand the truest purpose of our marriage is that we might be made holy” she pointed to the glass, “like the oil, to become distinct in nature, separated from the world.”
Mindy knew the words Agnes spoke were true but her tears revealed too much reliance on self. I told Mindy “You’re right. You cannot do it. The only way is to allow your nature to be made more like His by the power of the Holy Spirit who lives in you. And that means you deepen your fellowship and experience with Him. You come to know Him.”
The older enlightened woman leaned over with a sweet gentle smile across the table where my middle-aged friend was sitting and put her hand on Mindy’s arm. Her wise words made it seem as though she was one who had escaped the boundaries of time and place yet lived it all at the same time. “You precious dear. There truly is hope.” She moved closer to take hold of Mindy’s hand. “I urge you to do as Jesus did. Pour out your heart, fast and pray, cry out to God, and hear His voice of wisdom, comfort and peace. Have others pray for His grace upon your life. By all means, hang out with true and holy believers. Let’s be as Jesus towards those with false counsel. He said to his good friend Peter ‘get behind me’ recognizing anything other than the will of God is of Satan. This is a selfish world in which we live but let us each here allow God through our marriage to teach us how to really love, His love which is eternally best for our spouse and for us. Let endurance have its perfect result that our character be proven worthy. A fuller joy indeed comes when we drink from the deeper well. And over time you may find as I have in many women’s lives that your husband’s life is changed and genuine delightful feelings reside with you and your man.
Our time with Agnes involved many hours as we discussed what it all meant. We know that there is no quick fix for a lifetime of character development but being with her was like being with Jesus, hearing His strong voice and feeling His comfort. Mindy held off on her decision and promised to meet again the following week with Agnes and me.