Language of Love part 2

Part2
So tell me “Do you ever go for a walk and talk with your husband or does the perfect date call for flowers and dinner?”
Mindy had agreed to meet Agnes and me at the local park. She zipped up her jacket as she watched the cool air blow the fallen red leaves in a swirl down below their feet at the park bench. “I really never have gotten into walking but maybe I should.” Mindy felt desperate to learn from this woman who seemed to know so much.

Agnes opened up; “My husband and I often found ourselves on a tight budget, especially when our children lived with us. We learned delightful ways to enjoy one another such as walking and biking or simply having coffee in the mornings together. We made fun with what we had and just ignored the messages around us that said we always had to spend money on extra things in order to make each other feel loved.” It’s interesting how the media and marketing has built idols in our minds of what life and love is “really” all about.”

I was taken back by her remark. “I have never really thought about that. Wow.” I wondered for a moment, “How easy it is to build little idols in our minds and seek to have those around us conform to those idols.” I paused. “And what about us? Do we live up to the “idol” image of a woman that our husbands have been taught by the world’s marketing and media standards or even yet the perfect image of a godly wife? Wow, when I look at it that way I see what magnificent grace I would need from my man.”
Mindy admitted that she unfortunately fell quite short to living up to the “ideal” marketed woman. Her extra 50 pounds gained over the years still hung on her. She became conscious of how unforgiving and demanding she had been while overlooking her own fault of bitterness. Until now she had always pointed the finger at her husband and his mistakes but now sorrow began to fill her heart and she thought to herself, “How can I find a way through this? Lord, please help me.” For the first time she realized that she was the one in need of forgiveness simply for her bitter spirit. A cool wind blew on her face making the tear feel cold on her cheek.

I comforted her. “It’s ok to feel sorrow, Mindy. Sorrow turns us to God and He gives us hope for a transformed life and it is in that hope that the greatest of all joy can be experienced. The Lord is more concerned about a bitter spirit than an ideal weight our magazine racks display at the grocery counter. Do not neglect taking care of yourself physically, spiritually and mentally as well as intellectually. Mindy, as you give yourself to the Lord you become attractive in many ways, mind you never perfect but always moving onward with Him.

Agnes interrupted our thoughts, “I have been thinking of practical ways I have seen love expressed in marriage. The world has taught us there will always be something more we will need to be satisfied.”
“I remember the ways my mom and dad loved each other when I was young. They would often make time to go in their bedroom and give massages to each other after a hard week.” She smiled fondly, “We would sometimes find them kissing and then they would play a game of hide and kiss until we found them. After a while they would bring us into the kiss machine with them and we’d all end up playfully kissing.” She giggled.
Mindy pondered this. “But I am not sure my husband could ever be so playful.”

“Maybe. But a good start for you might be to find joy and contentment in what you do have. I’m sure there are some wonderful qualities in your husband for which you can be thankful. It isn’t wrong to want or discuss with him your desire for more time together but you can sure be thankful that he is hardworking and responsible.” “You might find one of the reasons he doesn’t buy special gifts for you is because he values frugality and thriftiness.”
“No, I just think he’s thoughtless.” She was reminded of her bitterness and asked Jesus to help her grow in understanding rather than accusations.
“Perhaps your husband needs you to have confidence and trust in him. You might be right that he needs to grow in that area and do pray for him. But believe the best about his motives rather than the worst. Wouldn’t you want the same from him? Undoubtedly your man needs for you to have a positive outlook on life no matter how it looks. This is where you must meet face to face with your God about everything.”
“Our God connection is where we find our strength for all of life. We expand our understanding of His ways, the deeper our hurts the broader our experience with Him. Friends should also help us see more clearly. If you have friends who are not encouraging you to respect your husband but instead fuel your anger toward him then I would choose other friends.”
Agnes jetted in “Books can also help us love our men. I read a book once about five love languages. Most men feel loved when you want him physically. Yes, I mean sexually desire him. Making love should never be a duty. I know, I know those childrearing years can be physically exhausting and there are times some women just feel tired. But when you think of what a delightful gift of love you bring to the most important man in your life tiredness can actually be turned over to God and enjoyment take over.”
“How come you never say anything about what he could be doing to help our marriage? Don’t you have any good advice for him?” Mindy inquired.
“ Mindy, I am not talking to your husband. I am talking to you two ladies. We cannot change another person but we can change ourselves as we walk forward with God.”
Mindy recalled a time when she was younger and had mentioned to a friend about her membership at a gym because she had wanted to get in shape for her husband. The friend told her “That is ridiculous! You do what you want and not what he wants.” She realized she had taken that approach in everything. Now, Mindy was turning the ears of her heart to Jesus. She heard the Spirit speaking words of scripture “Do not merely look out for your own interests, Mindy, do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard him as more important than yourself. Don’t merely look out for your own interests, but also for his interests.” Boy, that one was going to take a lifetime to learn.
The time they spent together was life giving. Mindy was anxious to get home and start putting into practice the things she had learned. She remembered what Agnes had said earlier that we each need the Lord to guide us to know how to love our own man. Agnes had told a story about her granddaughter being a perfectionist in her home. She had constantly nagged everyone around her for not keeping house “picture perfect” like she wanted it. Her husband had told her ‘No Better Homes and Garden Home for us’. He desired a home that was comfortable and looked lived in with lots of relationships going on. They compromised together on how they would run their home. Now Mindy was determined to connect with her husband and find out what he would like. She had never given her heart to that before.

I thought for a while with Jesus and asked him, “What does unity in marriage look like, Lord?”
“Unity is like-mindedness in as much as two people have shared like personalities, similar experiences, have the same knowledge and have been given the same measure of faith. Each has shaped our core values, goals, and desires. Obviously there will be differences because no two people share the same life experiences, personality, knowledge and faith. In marriage two individuals with unique skills and talents merge to establish new values and goals. Marriage is a place where two wills collide, two lives become one.”
“So what happens if one of those wills is unyielding, Lord? What happens to our unity in marriage?”
“In each circumstance one has the capacity to give more than the other through the grace of my Spirit. Always one will let the other go forward.”

As we parted that day Mindy had made the bold decision: Her first step would be to ask her husband for forgiveness of her own sins in the marriage. She resolved to take one day at a time and draw nearer to her Lord.

Merry Snowy Christmas

The Language of Love

(My heart has connected with women all over the globe, both American and foreign and I’ve found similar issues that many women face. This fictional story is a composite of many of them.)


I had noticed the perked ears of the elderly lady next to us. She had phased out the delicious taste of her ham and cheese omelet as she overheard the weeping of Mindy while disclosing her feelings to me. Blonde haired Mindy was of fair complexion and the mother of four children. She had hinted to her friends for a long time of her intentions she now allowed to escape from her mouth. “I don’t think he will ever change. I just don’t love him anymore.” Tears spilled from her eyes and with a quick blowing of her red nose she allowed those words she never believed she could verbalize to sink in. “The feelings left a long time ago. We hardly have anything in common. He goes to work and I have my work. We just don’t talk anymore. It has been so long since he bought me flowers or even took me out to dinner. He isn’t romantic like he was when I first met him. For years our church leaders have said romance is vitally important in a marriage yet he doesn’t catch a clue”. She spoke these words with bitter hurt. He isn’t interested in what I do during my day yet expects to come home to a clean house and dinner at the table on time. I have tried to be a good wife and one he could feel proud of but he never notices when I do those good things. He hurts my feelings and I feel empty…. God is love and wants me to be happy.” She paused “I am leaving him this Friday.”



The elderly woman sitting nearby could not restrain the passion of God prompting her spirit. She graciously walked over to our small round table and introduced herself as Agnes. She tenderly handed Mindy some flowers she had previously bought for some other purpose. Agnes gently voiced, “I couldn’t help overhearing what you’ve been saying, do you mind if I join you?” We couldn’t resist her sweet spirit and agreed to have her join us. “Honey, there are so many religions here these days, which God are you talking about that wants you happy?”
“Oh, I’m a Christian and God is a loving God.” With authority she declared Jesus’ words, “I have come that they might have life and have it abundantly.”
“Oh, dear thing.” She offered a Kleenex to my tissue deprived friend. “The abundant life is promised to those who ‘Seek first the kingdom of God’.
“I’ve done that. I’ve gone to church for years, tried to be good, attended Bible studies … sniff. I’ve prayed that God would change him. But still nothing has changed!”
Agnes poured some water into Mindy’s glass. “Drink. With many tears one must drink more. Sweetie,” she paused, with her southern accent extending “God doesn’t want your rules and religion. He wants a relationship with you. “Jesus revealed in John ‘This is eternal life that they may know You, the One true God and Jesus Christ whom you have sent’.” You have been chosen to know the living God…to fellowship with ALL that He is. God isn’t just a God of love. He actually hates too.” At that Mindy’s eyes incredulously widened. “He wasn’t concerned about hurting anyone’s feelings when he said ‘I hate divorce’. Nor when he spoke through Paul in First Corinthians when he said, “A woman shall not leave her husband, or a man his wife.” “We say and hold to our vows with a Holy fear knowing we make a choice to display God’s glory to the world...” She cleared her throat and continued, “which is the model of Christ and His bride the church.”
With her words which truly were God’s words I sensed the Holy Spirit indeed putting holy fear in Mindy’s heart and mind as well as my own. But then with a downcast spirit and bowed head she peeped the words “I don’t see how.” You could sense she was being pulled in two different directions. “He certainly isn’t Christ.”

“Though good feelings can truly be in a marriage God’s love isn’t merely a feeling love and romance the way this culture and time presents it. We have been discipled by the god of Hollywood. And it starts you know when you’re a child… Cinderella, Snow White, Sleeping Beauty and more.” We listened with the ears of our hearts, but still Mindy questioned “But love IS when you feel good about your spouse. What is love without the feelings?”
“Clearly the truest of all love is only visible in the face of the cruelest of hatred. It suffered to the point of shedding blood. Jesus wasn’t feeling happy, gooey feelings toward God when he was carrying the cross to Calvary. But it was the joy set before him that he endured it. Not that we should just endure marriage or even treat it like a cross but rather come to a place where we thrive”

“Can you expound on that a little?” asked Mindy with fixed, glassy eyes as truth was spoken to the depths of her heart. This was clearly a different language than she had heard in the world. The new definition of love was making a slight break into the confusion of her mind and bringing understanding to the sacrifices a marriage partner brings to the altar.
Agnes reached for the water pitcher and politely asked if she was done with her half emptied milk and juice glasses. Mindy nodded. She proceeded to pour water into the glasses and stirred a bit. “You see, there isn’t anything much different when you mix water into these liquids which contain the same properties.” We were a bit bewildered with what she was up to. She grabbed the oil for salads sitting on the table and poured it into the cups and stirred. “This oil stands out. You can tell it is different from everything else. In every circumstance it stands out. God wants to show the world there is a distinction between His love and the world’s kind of love. He has chosen you as his means of doing that.” She smiled. The illustration was bringing it home to the core.

“He must have chosen the wrong person.” Mindy whimpered, “ I don’t think I can …do that. I cannot even fathom it.”

“Look here, the last thing I desire is to be preachy.” Putting her ringed hand on her chest Agnes expressed “I have walked the same road as yourself.” But with a reflective spirit added “Trust me. Marriage continues to teach me how to really love. It is the essence of giving up self for another. Not that I have laid hold of it yet but I forget what lies behind and press on toward that which He called me to.” Her face radiated her fiery spirit. “If we could understand the truest purpose of our marriage is that we might be made holy” she pointed to the glass, “like the oil, to become distinct in nature, separated from the world.”
Mindy knew the words Agnes spoke were true but her tears revealed too much reliance on self. I told Mindy “You’re right. You cannot do it. The only way is to allow your nature to be made more like His by the power of the Holy Spirit who lives in you. And that means you deepen your fellowship and experience with Him. You come to know Him.”
The older enlightened woman leaned over with a sweet gentle smile across the table where my middle-aged friend was sitting and put her hand on Mindy’s arm. Her wise words made it seem as though she was one who had escaped the boundaries of time and place yet lived it all at the same time. “You precious dear. There truly is hope.” She moved closer to take hold of Mindy’s hand. “I urge you to do as Jesus did. Pour out your heart, fast and pray, cry out to God, and hear His voice of wisdom, comfort and peace. Have others pray for His grace upon your life. By all means, hang out with true and holy believers. Let’s be as Jesus towards those with false counsel. He said to his good friend Peter ‘get behind me’ recognizing anything other than the will of God is of Satan. This is a selfish world in which we live but let us each here allow God through our marriage to teach us how to really love, His love which is eternally best for our spouse and for us. Let endurance have its perfect result that our character be proven worthy. A fuller joy indeed comes when we drink from the deeper well. And over time you may find as I have in many women’s lives that your husband’s life is changed and genuine delightful feelings reside with you and your man.
Our time with Agnes involved many hours as we discussed what it all meant. We know that there is no quick fix for a lifetime of character development but being with her was like being with Jesus, hearing His strong voice and feeling His comfort. Mindy held off on her decision and promised to meet again the following week with Agnes and me.

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