Language of Love (3) - see below for parts 1 and 2

{ I have recently had two friends walk out of their marriages. My heart grieves with those left behind- spouse and children. This has been the inspiration behind The Language of Love. I simply desire to take others to a deeper reality of marriage which includes contradicting choices which our society, aka. the world, would have us choose. I also desire to create an awareness of messages our culture gives us by which some of us are influenced. }



It had been several weeks since the three of us met together. Life was full for Mindy with four kids in school. She and I had previously decided we would each put up cards of Scripture around our homes and ask the Lord how it might play out that day in our lives. For the first time her soul truly consumed the truth of God’s word.
Mindy told me matter-of-factly, “Life has not been easy these last few weeks but that verse you suggested for me has carried me through.” It was a verse that had helped me through some tough years and now her life was being impacted by it.
“How so?” I questioned.
Mindy gave an account of life after our last meeting together. First, she had arranged time alone with her husband, Dan, to sit and talk. The feeling of being married so long to a stranger disturbed her. Who was he anyway? Could she really ever have feelings for this man? Was there truly any hope? It comforted her to truly sense God’s presence in her life like never before. And in her feelings of helplessness Jesus reminded her of the words she had planted in her heart that week: Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord And whose trust is the Lord. For he will be like a tree planted by the water, that extends its roots by a stream And will not fear when the heat comes; but its leaves will be green, and it will not be anxious in a year of drought nor cease to yield fruit. She had a moment to pray “Oh, Lord, please help me in this time of drought.” Tears welled up in her eyes as she considered how parched her marriage was. “Lord, help me to bear fruit.” Her lip quivered as she tried to imagine how one could be fruitful in a dry marriage and even more so how to bear lush leaves of green in a time of emotional suffering.
While thinking about what she would say the scene from a movie flashed in her mind of two lovers making up and delighting in one another. She desired that her confession would end in hugs and feelings of oneness and happiness. Without realizing it her hope rested on this storybook ending and human emotion. Human emotions—the target which movies and romance novels exploit for profit and in the process train us that anything less than this is simply undesirable.
Sitting face to face across the coffee table from him the pangs of emptiness and longing seized her. Nervously, over the next hour, she explained to Dan about her conversations with Agnes, of course skipping the part about divorce. “I realized I needed to ask forgiveness from you for the anger I have held inside these last few years.” Those words were difficult to speak because she had always liked being right. But after she voiced them she felt a little relieved. He just sat there quietly, barely responsive. There was still distance between them not only in physical proximity but there was also a nagging coldness separating their souls.
At first she felt hurt and that turned inward to anger that he was not responding to her the way she had envisioned he should—the way the movie had ended. She excused herself and retreated tearfully to a quiet place, her bedroom. There she had a moment to consider the last hour. As she buried her head in the pillow she cried, “Oh, Lord, I thought it was supposed to end happily if I did the right thing.” She really wanted to understand how it was supposed to work in the Lord’s scheme of things. Just then she became aware of her previous expectations of hope for a climax of happiness. She remembered Agnes’ words about media discipling our minds as to how to think, feel and act in every situation. The Lord opened her mind to see how she had fixed her hope on fulfillment of human emotion realizing in turn it had led her to a counter productive disappointment and anger. With tears wetting her cheeks, she asked with the eyes and ears of her heart open, “Well, what do I do with this, Lord?” In a moment of silence, as if listening for an answer He illumined her mind and she gained an inner power to do what she knew was right. “No, I am not going to place this demand on him. I am going to be patient, and put my hope and trust in the Lord and his timing.” She confidently got up washed her face headed to the kitchen and began cooking dinner. With the Lord at her side she could smile kindly.
Dan acted aloof but nevertheless he acknowledged her act as good and said he would forgive her. She had not understood the kind of doubt a person is plagued with the first hour someone says they are going to change. Words are merely words unless action follows and he wanted to see if this was the real stuff.

We had listened intently to Mindy’s story. “What do you think about all this, Agnes?”
She responded, “There is power in an apology. It’s possible Dan thought this could just be another ploy to tell him how wrong he was to cause such bitterness. As you consistently, daily choose acts of love over selfish interests he will see that you mean it.”
“On another note God is at work. You caught yourself with that movie scene that flashed in your mind. You counteracted that when you used God’s wisdom to not be conformed to this world, but to be transformed by the renewing of your mind. (Romans 12:2)
“Media, movies, etc. with their masterful stories and perfectly matching background music have the potential to train us that our emotions should be our guide—that they should even be our God.” She paused a moment, smiled, then said, “You allowed your mind to be transformed by allowing God’s truth to renew your mind. You know… Love is patient, love is kind….. Love does not demand its own way…”
I was hesitant but curious “ Mindy, how did it make you feel when God’s truth was finally realized?”
Her eyes looked downward in order to reflect on that moment. She thought for a moment and replied, “I’ll have to say… it altered my feelings. His peace, which surpassed understanding, replaced the anger. Even amidst the emptiness I felt his peace and a power I have not had before. Afterwards it was as if Jesus put his arm around me.”
I exclaimed “Mindy, This is what your verse meant!”
“I don’t understand?” Her eyes squinted.
“Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord and whose trust is the Lord… the tree will not be anxious in a year of drought nor cease to yield fruit.” “You yielded fruit.”
The realization empowered her. She was becoming the living word. We left our time encouraged that God indeed was at work.

February 16th - Engagement Day

Jonathan and I celebrated our engagement day yesterday, which is actually more celebrated than Valentines. We enjoyed taking time to remember the weekend I had visited him in California 19 years ago. We have an amazing story of how God ordained us to be married. After 4 years of not seeing each other- He in china, I in Eastern Europe, and two years of not talking or hearing from each other the Lord miraculously brought us back together one week after a specific prayer was prayed. Someday you'll have to ask for the story. It was a confirmation from the Lord.
On February 16th, my beloved led me up a mountain near his home in Southern California. We hiked about an hour when finally we looked off a hill and saw a guitar lying there on the ground near a tree. What in the world could that be doing up here? Well, Jonathan went on to sing a song he had written to me asking me to marry him. It was very special and later was sung at our rehearsal dinner as well as our wedding. Jonathan surprised me last night coming to the bedside where I was all tucked in and playing the song again. (Obviously I am NOT against romance!) BOY it sure brought back memories of a lovely time. Not that now isn't lovely but that day 19 years ago was so magical- full of mystery- for we really had not spent much time with each other before we were married, yet we both were assured in the Lord's calling us to be married. We were made for each other- Through the good times and hard times HE has made that clear to us over the years. Our anniversary was lovely and meaningful. How good God has been to me. How good is His undeserved love and compassion.


Here is a picture of our engagement day- not a good photo but maybe you can tell a little something.

I just had to put this fun picture in of our kids. I love spending time with them especially when we go hiking.

Language of Love part three in progress-

Valentines, the martyrs

I copied this excerpt from Wikipedia. Wow. How opposite of romantic love - rather these heroic men named Valentine loved their Lord unto the act of martyrdom.


Saint Valentine
For more details on this topic, see Saint Valentine.
Numerous early Christian martyrs were named Valentine.[4] Until 1969, the Catholic Church formally recognized eleven Valentine's Days.[citation needed] The Valentines honored on February 14 are Valentine of Rome (Valentinus presb. m. Romae) and Valentine of Terni (Valentinus ep. Interamnensis m. Romae).[5] Valentine of Rome[6] was a priest in Rome who suffered martyrdom about AD 269 and was buried on the Via Flaminia. His relics are at the Church of Saint Praxed in Rome.[7] and at Whitefriar Street Carmelite Church in Dublin, Ireland.

Valentine of Terni[8] became bishop of Interamna (modern Terni) about AD 197 and is said to have been killed during the persecution of Emperor Aurelian. He is also buried on the Via Flaminia, but in a different location than Valentine of Rome. His relics are at the Basilica of Saint Valentine in Terni (Basilica di San Valentino).[9]

The Catholic Encyclopedia also speaks of a third saint named Valentine who was mentioned in early martyrologies under date of February 14. He was martyred in Africa with a number of companions, but nothing more is known about him.[10]


No romantic elements are present in the original early medieval biographies of either of these martyrs. By the time a Saint Valentine became linked to romance in the fourteenth century, distinctions between Valentine of Rome and Valentine of Terni were utterly lost.[11]

In the 1969 revision of the Roman Catholic Calendar of Saints, the feastday of Saint Valentine on February 14 was removed from the General Roman Calendar and relegated to particular (local or even national) calendars for the following reason: "Though the memorial of Saint Valentine is ancient, it is left to particular calendars, since, apart from his name, nothing is known of Saint Valentine except that he was buried on the Via Flaminia on February 14."[12] The feast day is still celebrated in Balzan (Malta) where relics of the saint are claimed to be found, and also throughout the world by Traditionalist Catholics who follow the older, pre-Vatican II calendar.

The Early Medieval acta of either Saint Valentine were excerpted by Bede and briefly expounded in Legenda Aurea.[13] According to that version, St Valentine was persecuted as a Christian and interrogated by Roman Emperor Claudius II in person. Claudius was impressed by Valentine and had a discussion with him, attempting to get him to convert to Roman paganism in order to save his life. Valentine refused and tried to convert Claudius to Christianity instead. Because of this, he was executed. Before his execution, he is reported to have performed a miracle by healing the blind daughter of his jailer.

Legenda Aurea still providing no connections whatsoever with sentimental love, appropriate lore has been embroidered in modern times to portray Valentine as a priest who refused an unattested law attributed to Roman Emperor Claudius II, allegedly ordering that young men remain single. The Emperor supposedly did this to grow his army, believing that married men did not make for good soldiers. The priest Valentine, however, secretly performed marriage ceremonies for young men. When Claudius found out about this, he had Valentine arrested and thrown in jail. In an embellishment to The Golden Legend, on the evening before Valentine was to be executed, he wrote the first "valentine" himself, addressed to a young girl variously identified as his beloved,[14] as the jailer's daughter whom he had befriended and healed,[15] or both. It was a note that read "From your Valentine."[14]

Language of Love part 2

Part2
So tell me “Do you ever go for a walk and talk with your husband or does the perfect date call for flowers and dinner?”
Mindy had agreed to meet Agnes and me at the local park. She zipped up her jacket as she watched the cool air blow the fallen red leaves in a swirl down below their feet at the park bench. “I really never have gotten into walking but maybe I should.” Mindy felt desperate to learn from this woman who seemed to know so much.

Agnes opened up; “My husband and I often found ourselves on a tight budget, especially when our children lived with us. We learned delightful ways to enjoy one another such as walking and biking or simply having coffee in the mornings together. We made fun with what we had and just ignored the messages around us that said we always had to spend money on extra things in order to make each other feel loved.” It’s interesting how the media and marketing has built idols in our minds of what life and love is “really” all about.”

I was taken back by her remark. “I have never really thought about that. Wow.” I wondered for a moment, “How easy it is to build little idols in our minds and seek to have those around us conform to those idols.” I paused. “And what about us? Do we live up to the “idol” image of a woman that our husbands have been taught by the world’s marketing and media standards or even yet the perfect image of a godly wife? Wow, when I look at it that way I see what magnificent grace I would need from my man.”
Mindy admitted that she unfortunately fell quite short to living up to the “ideal” marketed woman. Her extra 50 pounds gained over the years still hung on her. She became conscious of how unforgiving and demanding she had been while overlooking her own fault of bitterness. Until now she had always pointed the finger at her husband and his mistakes but now sorrow began to fill her heart and she thought to herself, “How can I find a way through this? Lord, please help me.” For the first time she realized that she was the one in need of forgiveness simply for her bitter spirit. A cool wind blew on her face making the tear feel cold on her cheek.

I comforted her. “It’s ok to feel sorrow, Mindy. Sorrow turns us to God and He gives us hope for a transformed life and it is in that hope that the greatest of all joy can be experienced. The Lord is more concerned about a bitter spirit than an ideal weight our magazine racks display at the grocery counter. Do not neglect taking care of yourself physically, spiritually and mentally as well as intellectually. Mindy, as you give yourself to the Lord you become attractive in many ways, mind you never perfect but always moving onward with Him.

Agnes interrupted our thoughts, “I have been thinking of practical ways I have seen love expressed in marriage. The world has taught us there will always be something more we will need to be satisfied.”
“I remember the ways my mom and dad loved each other when I was young. They would often make time to go in their bedroom and give massages to each other after a hard week.” She smiled fondly, “We would sometimes find them kissing and then they would play a game of hide and kiss until we found them. After a while they would bring us into the kiss machine with them and we’d all end up playfully kissing.” She giggled.
Mindy pondered this. “But I am not sure my husband could ever be so playful.”

“Maybe. But a good start for you might be to find joy and contentment in what you do have. I’m sure there are some wonderful qualities in your husband for which you can be thankful. It isn’t wrong to want or discuss with him your desire for more time together but you can sure be thankful that he is hardworking and responsible.” “You might find one of the reasons he doesn’t buy special gifts for you is because he values frugality and thriftiness.”
“No, I just think he’s thoughtless.” She was reminded of her bitterness and asked Jesus to help her grow in understanding rather than accusations.
“Perhaps your husband needs you to have confidence and trust in him. You might be right that he needs to grow in that area and do pray for him. But believe the best about his motives rather than the worst. Wouldn’t you want the same from him? Undoubtedly your man needs for you to have a positive outlook on life no matter how it looks. This is where you must meet face to face with your God about everything.”
“Our God connection is where we find our strength for all of life. We expand our understanding of His ways, the deeper our hurts the broader our experience with Him. Friends should also help us see more clearly. If you have friends who are not encouraging you to respect your husband but instead fuel your anger toward him then I would choose other friends.”
Agnes jetted in “Books can also help us love our men. I read a book once about five love languages. Most men feel loved when you want him physically. Yes, I mean sexually desire him. Making love should never be a duty. I know, I know those childrearing years can be physically exhausting and there are times some women just feel tired. But when you think of what a delightful gift of love you bring to the most important man in your life tiredness can actually be turned over to God and enjoyment take over.”
“How come you never say anything about what he could be doing to help our marriage? Don’t you have any good advice for him?” Mindy inquired.
“ Mindy, I am not talking to your husband. I am talking to you two ladies. We cannot change another person but we can change ourselves as we walk forward with God.”
Mindy recalled a time when she was younger and had mentioned to a friend about her membership at a gym because she had wanted to get in shape for her husband. The friend told her “That is ridiculous! You do what you want and not what he wants.” She realized she had taken that approach in everything. Now, Mindy was turning the ears of her heart to Jesus. She heard the Spirit speaking words of scripture “Do not merely look out for your own interests, Mindy, do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard him as more important than yourself. Don’t merely look out for your own interests, but also for his interests.” Boy, that one was going to take a lifetime to learn.
The time they spent together was life giving. Mindy was anxious to get home and start putting into practice the things she had learned. She remembered what Agnes had said earlier that we each need the Lord to guide us to know how to love our own man. Agnes had told a story about her granddaughter being a perfectionist in her home. She had constantly nagged everyone around her for not keeping house “picture perfect” like she wanted it. Her husband had told her ‘No Better Homes and Garden Home for us’. He desired a home that was comfortable and looked lived in with lots of relationships going on. They compromised together on how they would run their home. Now Mindy was determined to connect with her husband and find out what he would like. She had never given her heart to that before.

I thought for a while with Jesus and asked him, “What does unity in marriage look like, Lord?”
“Unity is like-mindedness in as much as two people have shared like personalities, similar experiences, have the same knowledge and have been given the same measure of faith. Each has shaped our core values, goals, and desires. Obviously there will be differences because no two people share the same life experiences, personality, knowledge and faith. In marriage two individuals with unique skills and talents merge to establish new values and goals. Marriage is a place where two wills collide, two lives become one.”
“So what happens if one of those wills is unyielding, Lord? What happens to our unity in marriage?”
“In each circumstance one has the capacity to give more than the other through the grace of my Spirit. Always one will let the other go forward.”

As we parted that day Mindy had made the bold decision: Her first step would be to ask her husband for forgiveness of her own sins in the marriage. She resolved to take one day at a time and draw nearer to her Lord.

Merry Snowy Christmas

The Language of Love

(My heart has connected with women all over the globe, both American and foreign and I’ve found similar issues that many women face. This fictional story is a composite of many of them.)


I had noticed the perked ears of the elderly lady next to us. She had phased out the delicious taste of her ham and cheese omelet as she overheard the weeping of Mindy while disclosing her feelings to me. Blonde haired Mindy was of fair complexion and the mother of four children. She had hinted to her friends for a long time of her intentions she now allowed to escape from her mouth. “I don’t think he will ever change. I just don’t love him anymore.” Tears spilled from her eyes and with a quick blowing of her red nose she allowed those words she never believed she could verbalize to sink in. “The feelings left a long time ago. We hardly have anything in common. He goes to work and I have my work. We just don’t talk anymore. It has been so long since he bought me flowers or even took me out to dinner. He isn’t romantic like he was when I first met him. For years our church leaders have said romance is vitally important in a marriage yet he doesn’t catch a clue”. She spoke these words with bitter hurt. He isn’t interested in what I do during my day yet expects to come home to a clean house and dinner at the table on time. I have tried to be a good wife and one he could feel proud of but he never notices when I do those good things. He hurts my feelings and I feel empty…. God is love and wants me to be happy.” She paused “I am leaving him this Friday.”



The elderly woman sitting nearby could not restrain the passion of God prompting her spirit. She graciously walked over to our small round table and introduced herself as Agnes. She tenderly handed Mindy some flowers she had previously bought for some other purpose. Agnes gently voiced, “I couldn’t help overhearing what you’ve been saying, do you mind if I join you?” We couldn’t resist her sweet spirit and agreed to have her join us. “Honey, there are so many religions here these days, which God are you talking about that wants you happy?”
“Oh, I’m a Christian and God is a loving God.” With authority she declared Jesus’ words, “I have come that they might have life and have it abundantly.”
“Oh, dear thing.” She offered a Kleenex to my tissue deprived friend. “The abundant life is promised to those who ‘Seek first the kingdom of God’.
“I’ve done that. I’ve gone to church for years, tried to be good, attended Bible studies … sniff. I’ve prayed that God would change him. But still nothing has changed!”
Agnes poured some water into Mindy’s glass. “Drink. With many tears one must drink more. Sweetie,” she paused, with her southern accent extending “God doesn’t want your rules and religion. He wants a relationship with you. “Jesus revealed in John ‘This is eternal life that they may know You, the One true God and Jesus Christ whom you have sent’.” You have been chosen to know the living God…to fellowship with ALL that He is. God isn’t just a God of love. He actually hates too.” At that Mindy’s eyes incredulously widened. “He wasn’t concerned about hurting anyone’s feelings when he said ‘I hate divorce’. Nor when he spoke through Paul in First Corinthians when he said, “A woman shall not leave her husband, or a man his wife.” “We say and hold to our vows with a Holy fear knowing we make a choice to display God’s glory to the world...” She cleared her throat and continued, “which is the model of Christ and His bride the church.”
With her words which truly were God’s words I sensed the Holy Spirit indeed putting holy fear in Mindy’s heart and mind as well as my own. But then with a downcast spirit and bowed head she peeped the words “I don’t see how.” You could sense she was being pulled in two different directions. “He certainly isn’t Christ.”

“Though good feelings can truly be in a marriage God’s love isn’t merely a feeling love and romance the way this culture and time presents it. We have been discipled by the god of Hollywood. And it starts you know when you’re a child… Cinderella, Snow White, Sleeping Beauty and more.” We listened with the ears of our hearts, but still Mindy questioned “But love IS when you feel good about your spouse. What is love without the feelings?”
“Clearly the truest of all love is only visible in the face of the cruelest of hatred. It suffered to the point of shedding blood. Jesus wasn’t feeling happy, gooey feelings toward God when he was carrying the cross to Calvary. But it was the joy set before him that he endured it. Not that we should just endure marriage or even treat it like a cross but rather come to a place where we thrive”

“Can you expound on that a little?” asked Mindy with fixed, glassy eyes as truth was spoken to the depths of her heart. This was clearly a different language than she had heard in the world. The new definition of love was making a slight break into the confusion of her mind and bringing understanding to the sacrifices a marriage partner brings to the altar.
Agnes reached for the water pitcher and politely asked if she was done with her half emptied milk and juice glasses. Mindy nodded. She proceeded to pour water into the glasses and stirred a bit. “You see, there isn’t anything much different when you mix water into these liquids which contain the same properties.” We were a bit bewildered with what she was up to. She grabbed the oil for salads sitting on the table and poured it into the cups and stirred. “This oil stands out. You can tell it is different from everything else. In every circumstance it stands out. God wants to show the world there is a distinction between His love and the world’s kind of love. He has chosen you as his means of doing that.” She smiled. The illustration was bringing it home to the core.

“He must have chosen the wrong person.” Mindy whimpered, “ I don’t think I can …do that. I cannot even fathom it.”

“Look here, the last thing I desire is to be preachy.” Putting her ringed hand on her chest Agnes expressed “I have walked the same road as yourself.” But with a reflective spirit added “Trust me. Marriage continues to teach me how to really love. It is the essence of giving up self for another. Not that I have laid hold of it yet but I forget what lies behind and press on toward that which He called me to.” Her face radiated her fiery spirit. “If we could understand the truest purpose of our marriage is that we might be made holy” she pointed to the glass, “like the oil, to become distinct in nature, separated from the world.”
Mindy knew the words Agnes spoke were true but her tears revealed too much reliance on self. I told Mindy “You’re right. You cannot do it. The only way is to allow your nature to be made more like His by the power of the Holy Spirit who lives in you. And that means you deepen your fellowship and experience with Him. You come to know Him.”
The older enlightened woman leaned over with a sweet gentle smile across the table where my middle-aged friend was sitting and put her hand on Mindy’s arm. Her wise words made it seem as though she was one who had escaped the boundaries of time and place yet lived it all at the same time. “You precious dear. There truly is hope.” She moved closer to take hold of Mindy’s hand. “I urge you to do as Jesus did. Pour out your heart, fast and pray, cry out to God, and hear His voice of wisdom, comfort and peace. Have others pray for His grace upon your life. By all means, hang out with true and holy believers. Let’s be as Jesus towards those with false counsel. He said to his good friend Peter ‘get behind me’ recognizing anything other than the will of God is of Satan. This is a selfish world in which we live but let us each here allow God through our marriage to teach us how to really love, His love which is eternally best for our spouse and for us. Let endurance have its perfect result that our character be proven worthy. A fuller joy indeed comes when we drink from the deeper well. And over time you may find as I have in many women’s lives that your husband’s life is changed and genuine delightful feelings reside with you and your man.
Our time with Agnes involved many hours as we discussed what it all meant. We know that there is no quick fix for a lifetime of character development but being with her was like being with Jesus, hearing His strong voice and feeling His comfort. Mindy held off on her decision and promised to meet again the following week with Agnes and me.

My Man's Home!

Yippeeee. It is so much fun to have my Man again. We met Jonathan with a baloon, cookies, and posters! I'm in love with you!